WoW Blog/Major Payne's Pet Menagerie
This article is a copy of a set of official blogs referred to as "Major Payne’s Pet Menagerie", by Blizzard Entertainment. It's about various Battle Pets.
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Sunfur Panda
You think you can hold your own against the fiercest of creatures in that kind of shape!? DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY, TAMER!
I’ve brought in my pal Crithto, who's gonna help me prepare you to conquer all of Azeroth’s Battle Pets, and each week we’ll be featuring a unique and challenging pet you too can obtain . . . if you’re prepared!
The rumor going around Icecrown is that you think you’re a seasoned veteran. A champion among champions with—as the trolls say—“da skills to pay da bills, mon.” Well, I don’t think so! But before you get all bent out of shape, here’s my challenge to you: beat the Elites! That’s right, go out there and defeat every single Elite Battle Pet of the pandaren fables and then get back to me. Until then, they’re all yours, Crithto.
- Crithto: A slew of adorable new panda pets have invaded Pandaria, obtainable by defeating the powerful beasts of pandaren fables. The orange cousin of the Red Panda, the Sunfur Panda, can create perfect napping conditions with Sunlight, and then follow it up with Hibernate to gain a significant amount of health. The new Cute Face ability gives the Sunfur Panda a chance to dodge attacks, and with Survival, the Panda can outlast many rounds of enemy attacks.
Alright, you've got your orders. Don’t stand there looking like you need a tissue, get out there and start showing me you have what it takes!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Sunfur Panda by visiting Warcraftpets.com.[1]
Kun-Lai Runt
Crithto has informed me that some of you felt last week's pet was too adorable. And here I thought I was easing you into your training. How else are we supposed to mold you into a lean, mean, Pet-Battling machine!?
Fine, let's ramp things up. Meet your newest soldier: the not-so-cuddly Kun-Lai Runt! Give 'em the lowdown, pug.
- Crithto: Shaking the very ground with each step it takes, the Kun-Lai Runt is an offensive powerhouse! At higher levels, the Runt can employ a 3-hit combo, chilling foes with Frost Shock, followed by a stunning Deep Freeze attack, and finishing off any foe with massive damage from its powerful Takedown.
Excellent. Now, the goal here is to get you in shape and ready to conquer the mighty pets of Azeroth. Sure, you may have had trouble with my team, but whippin’ you into tip-top form is my goal! This week, your job is to climb the peaks of Kun-Lai Summit, but there are a few ground rules. First, you can’t use a mount. Hoof it, tamer! Second, you must visit the grummles, find the ones with the giant rucksacks, and carry three of them on your back as you head up. That’s right, channel your inner yak! Third, you have to get there by walking backwards. From Krasarang!
Move out!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Kun-Lai Runt by visiting Warcraftpets.com.[2]
Spectral Porcupette
Many years ago, I was in Loch Modan training to become the mighty paragon of a champion you see before you. Let’s not quibble about how legendary I am to behold! One day while I was out hunting grizzlies, armed with nothing more than a Whittling Knife, I was ambushed by a wily Mosshide chieftain by the name of Sagepaw! Several hours later, I was the proud owner of a fist-full of gnoll teeth, three new scars, and a very warm fur blanket. You know you’re impressed!
The reason I’m regaling you with this tale of just one of my many triumphs is that I know exactly how you tamers are gonna feel with this week’s challenge: Collect enough Giant Dinosaur Bones to earn yourself a Spectral Porcupette! There’s no hiking half-way across Pandaria carrying grummles on your back this time. No, your training will come at the hands—err, claws and hooves—of the primal monstrosities that run rampant on the Isle of Giants. There you will be reminded of just how fragile life can be! If you want one of these paranormal, prickly pets, you’re gonna have to work for it! Give these tamers what for, Crithto.
- Crithto: This ghostly creature can be yours for a hefty pile of bones, if you dare to face the powerful beasts that roam the Isle of Giants. The Spectral Porcupette uses new moves drawn from the realm of spirits, blinding foes with Spectral Spine to strike them for heavy damage with Spectral Strike. The Porcupette can also go on the defensive, throwing up Spirit Spikes to damage any pet foolish enough to strike it, and warding off blows with Illusionary Barrier.
You have your orders! Be prepared to face some of Azeroth’s most dangerous creatures . . . and if the challenge makes you feel like you need a bottle and “nap nap time”, I won't laugh too hard if you want to bring some friends along with you. Tamers dismissed!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Spectral Porcupette by visiting Warcraftpets.com.[3]
Son of Animus
The problem with that mechanical guardian Archritualist Kelada made for Lei Shen is that it didn’t have feelings. Kelada’s Dark Animus was a cold-hearted construct that couldn’t fully appreciate the might of my sword, nor stand in awe of my incredible battlefield prowess as I pulverized it into permanent sleep mode. I see that look of amazement in your eyes!
While you’ve been busy pushing dinosaurs toward extinction, I’ve been busy strolling through the Throne of Thunder finding ways to test your skills. Notice how I said strolling?! Reports from my spies indicate many of you have gone through an inordinate amount of rationed “QQ” tissues after visiting the Isle of Giants. Poor you. How about a relaxing jaunt through the Halls of Flesh-Shaping to reinvigorate the mind and body? Oh dear, here come the tears again!
Now, before you boo-hoo your way outta here, remember that this is training—and it’s challenges like these that’ll one day mold you into a fierce and fearsome combatant. JUST LIKE ME! Let’s listen to what the unofficial guardian of Stormwind has to say.
- Crithto: Son of Animus is force to be reckoned with! Using skills like Touch of the Animus and Interrupting Jolt, he can quickly overcome even the fastest of pets. If survival is important to you, Siphon Anima and Extra Plating can help him dole out punishment while providing him with the extra protection he needs.
Son of Animus—much like daddy—is powered by the mysterious Anima compound, and this week your assignment is to understand the stuff. In the process, if you’re tenacious enough, maybe you’ll earn the right to control this potent pet. While that’s an easy task for me, for you . . . probably not so much. NOW GET MOVING!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about Son of Animus by visiting Warcraftpets.com.[4]
Spawn of G’nathus
Admiring the scars upon my chiseled face in the polished steel of my unsullied shield, it’s difficult to understand how I’ve been able to accomplish so much greatness. . .
No, not really. I mean, just look at me! And this shield? Yeah, don’t need it! In fact, just this morning I opted to leave the thing at home while I visited the north shores of Shan’ze Dao. I regularly hike the island just so I can swing cloudrunners around by their tails and laugh in Hei Feng’s face. Just recently, though, I ran into another creature few of you have heard of, and even fewer would be brave enough to face: G’nathus!
With one hand tied behind my back and a cattail reed for a sword, I fought the mighty beast for 23 seconds before enjoying sushi for lunch. Makes you want to kiss my bicep, don’t it? Oh, the thing tried to summon its brood and electrify the waters around me, but it was only a waste of time. Later, I discovered you can dampen the sensation of static in your mouth with a little wasabi. Burp!
Of course, I didn’t tackle this encounter just to hone my stick-poking skill. I wanted to add the Spawn of G’nathus to my ginormous pet menagerie! What do you have to say about that, Crithto?
- Crithto: Channeling the cunning powers of Lei Shen, Spawn of G’nathus is a DPS master, capable of delivering devastating blows to opponents using Paralyzing Shock and Dive. If you want him to lead the charge against a team, skills like Lightning Shield and Thunderbolt followed by Swallow You Whole should do the trick.
I swear, the fearful looks in your eyes and gaping mouths do nothing to my feels. Sooner or later, you’ll come to realize that it takes time, practice, and a little bit of crazy to reach even the lowest point of the awesome heights I’ve achieved. So stop gawkin’ at me and get on out to Townlong Steppes!
- Lorewalker Cho: The ancient pandaren texts contain much speculation as to the origin of G'nathus. Some believe him to be a Loa left by the Zandalari to protect the Throne of Thunder, while others suggest that the mogu formed the great beast in their Halls of Flesh-Shaping. A very small group thinks that G'nathus was once Lei Shen's pet fish, empowered by years of proximity to the Thunder King and flushed down into the contaminated sewers beneath the palace.
- Regardless of G'nathus' origins, adventurers seeking to secure his clutch by braving the choppy waters north of Townlong Steppes are advised to bring friends—and a rubber swimming suit.
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about Spawn of G'nathus by visiting Warcraftpets.com.[5]
Sunreaver Micro-Sentry
Wow, what a vacation! After working so hard to find challenges for you tamers for the past couple weeks, I felt it was time to take a break, find a majestic place to relax, drink a few Mai Tais, and of course, keep my sword sharpened upon the teeth of vicious creatures. Vacation for me is creating mayhem!
Well, I’ve returned from the Isle of Thunder (yawn), and in my stead, I heard a conglomerate of engineers decided to let you in on a little secret robot pet that’s currently being developed. It looks pretty cool, but I’m sure it’ll be no match for my skills. Nonetheless, I figured I’d better keep with the theme so behold—another nigh-unstoppable bot of ultimate pet battle annihilation—the Sunreaver Micro-Sentry!
- Crithto: Sunreaver Micro-Sentry is just as unique a challenge to others as its larger, more terrifying counterpart. With abilities like Laser—which never misses—coupled with Supercharge, massive amounts terrible, terrible damage can be dished out to your opponent. But if you’re more interested in inflicting lingering pain while laying waste to the battlefield, try combining Call Lightning, Fel Immolate, and Haywire for a devastating three-move combo.
Thanks, pugster!
Let me tell you, tamers, lounging on the rocks in Ihgaluk Crag is just the thing for maximum relaxation. That is until the Haywire Sunreaver Construct decides to stomp all over your Romantic Picnic! Heh, I’m sure if that pile of bolts and gears had emotions, it would have been overwhelmed with regret. That’s fine, considering I taught it the true definition of “defragmentation” after our first encounter. Check out my degree in awesome!
So gather up your sandwiches and dwarven brew—it’s off to the Isle of Thunder for you! Oh look, I’m a poet . . . and now you know it.
CLOSE THOSE GAPING MOUTHS AND GET MOVIN’!!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about Sunreaver Micro-Sentry by visiting Warcraftpets.com.[6]
Sleepy Willy
Before you can become a Pet Battle champion—like yours truly—you need to master patience. Learning to control your emotions even during the most strenuous situations is of the utmost importance, and you need to overcome your inborn inclination to lash out or react impulsively. That’s just how it works!
Uhem . . . as I was saying, it’s your duty as tamers to remain calm, focused, and level-headed, regardless of the exterior stimuli. To help you reach the level of enduring excellence you see before you, I present the most challenging exercise any instructor could drum up: Escorting children! Put on your babysitter armor, ladies and germs—you’re about to get schooled!
It’s Children’s Week, and you are hereby ordered to learn how to cope with long-term suffering by being leashed to a needy, whiny, drooling child who wants nothing more than every ounce of your attention! The reward? One of several unique pets to join your team that you would otherwise never be able to acquire. Crithto will now introduce you to one of my favorites.
- Crithto: Don’t let his giant adorable eye, bucktooth, and penchant to fall asleep fool you: Willy can be the bringer of death when skillfully played. Particularly strong against Flying opponents, Willy’s DPS ramps up quickly when he uses his Focused Beams and Agony abilities. On the defense, he’s capable of ruining multi-round spells with Interrupting Gaze, and stealing his foes’ fun by casting Dark Simulacrum*. Willy may not care much for chance encounters with random critters in the wild, but he’s a strong utility pet with some potentially potent offense.
There’s a wise saying that goes something like this: “Patience is sorrow’s salve.” Indeed, you’ve worked hard and endured many injuries in the process—now it’s time to dry your eyes, bandage up your wounds, and work on achieving a steadfast state of mind. I am the poster boy for this cause! Now head on over to Orgrimmar, Stormwind, Shattrath, or Dalaran, find an adorable orphan, and get going on your journey toward ultimate endurance. DISMISSED!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about sleepy Willy by visiting Warcraftpets.com. For more information about Children’s Week, visit Wowhead.com.
*In a future patch, Dark Simulacrum will be replaced with an ability called Rot. Rot will deal heavy Undead damage and temporarily turn the enemy pet into an Undead-type creature. This spell should serve you well when coupled with Willy’s Tongue Lash ability.[7]
Winterspring Cub
I have a motto my closest friends are lucky enough to hear me say quite frequently: I’m humble, and I’m proud of it! From my rippling chest muscles to my bulging biceps, becoming the chiseled Grand Master you tremble before each day didn’t happen overnight. I try not to make a point of this too often . . . but there’s no escaping reality today!
It’s going to take dedication and focus for you to reach the heights I have. Chances are you won’t! Unless, of course, you follow my every command. Aside from exercising your mind and body every day through Pet Battles, you must also work on your spirit, heart, and temperament. Recently, you learned the virtue of patience by associating with needy children. Now it’s time for you to learn humility.
For those of you who pledge allegiance to the Alliance, the snow-covered hills and valleys of Winterspring is your destination. For those of you who scream “For the Horde!”, your destination is the steamy swamps of Un’Goro Crater. Your assignment? Develop a deep-seated sense of humility by trying to slowly, methodically earn the respect of cute widdle kitty cats and hatchlings! Bwahahaha!
Break it down for 'em, Crithto!
- Crithto: Vibrant colors and a big, fuzzy face might be enough to momentarily distract your opponents and produce a “d’aww!” reaction, but the Winterspring Cub is much more than just a bundle of adorableness. Strategy is what this pet is all about, through opening combinations like Prowl and Pounce, and closing abilities like Screech and Devour. In other words, the Winterspring Cub isn’t just a cutie . . . it’s a maker of mangled entrails!
Sure, you could just plunk down a few gold coins for one of these kittens and be on your way, but a real trainer knows you can’t truly earn the right to have a Winterspring Cub on your Pet Battles team without first proving you know how to build a long-term, primal bond. Take the easy way out, and you’ll know in your heart you’ve done wrong. Worse yet—I’ll know!
Once your task is complete, you’ll not only have the tools to build a lasting relationship with your new companion, but you’ll also have the honor of riding around with pride on your very own Winterspring Frostsaber or Venomhide Ravasaur.
My pals Rivern Frostwind in Winterspring and Mor’vek in Un’Goro await your arrival. WIPE THE DROOL FROM YOUR LIPS AND GET MOVIN’!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Winterspring Cub by visiting Warcraftpets.com.[8]
Netherspace Abyssal
The void between our reality and the nether can be bridged only by the strong.
I guess that eliminates you!
Oh please, stop your pouting. At this point in your training, you should be used to my methods. Moreover, if you plan on taking down the Grand Master tamers of Pandaria, or even me (ha!), you’re gonna need to learn how to cope with debilitating injuries . . . not just to your person, but to your pride!
Here’s where I’m going with all this: Atop Medivh’s Tower in Deadwind Pass resides a prince of the man’ari eredar. Claiming to be a member of the Burning Legion (they couldn’t burn my toast—double ha!), Malchezaar has been busy preparing his legions of infernals, and working on the greatest set of one-liners this master of all things has ever heard! Your mission*—should you choose to accept—is to traverse the haunted halls of Karazhan, work your way to the top, and extinguish this egomaniac with extreme prejudice. You best not be eyeballin’ me, tamer!
My four-legged pal will now tell you about the prize you’re after. I’ll be back!
- Crithto: The Hellfire-spewing embodiment of the very essence of Malchezaar, the Netherspace Abyssal is one of the largest, most fearful pets a tamer can have. DPS won’t be a concern once the destructive powers of Crush and Meteor Strike are unleashed. If you prefer to surprise your opponents, you can whittle away health with Immolation and Immolate, and then shock them into submission by casting Nether Gate, only to blow up the next pet with Explode.
If you’re a seasoned veteran of adventuring around Azeroth, I’m sure your initial inclination is to scoff at this assignment . . . but you’re forgetting one important detail, which I’ll remind you of in just a minute. But first, I recall the last time I paid Malchezaar a visit. He asked me a question. “How can you hope to withstand such overwhelming power?” he queried. And to him I responded, “Your ignorant satisfaction with your own opinion is about to be eradicated!” You can pretty much surmise how things went from that point on.
The Ivory Spire calls, tamers! It’s time to head out and get inside the twisted citadel that may very well end up being your resting place. And oh yeah, that’s right . . . I forgot to remind you of that one important detail you’re neglecting to remember.
GOOD LUCK WITH THE CHESS EVENT!
*This pet will be available once Patch 5.3 launches.
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Netherspace Abyssal by visiting Wowhead.com.[9]
Ji-Kun Hatchling
Over the past several weeks, I’ve spent a fair amount of time exploring the inner workings and caverns of the Throne of Thunder. What I’ve found to be most amusing are the numerous piles of bones from adventurers who just couldn’t handle one thing: a bird. Don’t act like some of them aren’t yours!
Admittedly, Ji-Kun does have a large, rather dangerous beak perfectly evolved for tearing off limbs, along with a pair of wings powerful enough to send a plate-clad tauren soaring off a platform like a piece of paper. Yet I can’t help but find this winged beast quite charming. The last time we sat down and squawked together, she was kind enough to call over her clutch to keep me warm. And not coincidentally, I enjoyed a large tray of hot wings that night. Bet you didn’t see that coming!
I have determined, however, that Ji-Kun has flown the coop! She no longer rules the roost, and it’s your job to put a yolk on her and stop the fowl play.
Crithto is heron my behalf to share details about the pet you’re after.
- Crithto: No bones about it, the Ji-Kun Hatchling is an eggcellent DPS pet to have on your team. With calamitous abilities like Acidic Goo and Flock, this fledgling can quickly tern the tide against your opponent. But the mayhem doesn’t stop there--its Caw and Slicing Winds can be quite ravenous. Owl leave you with these words: You can thank me later wren you get this pet!
Now, I have no intention of ruffling your feathers here. During your training you’ve proven you can claw your way out of many scary predicaments, but this pet won’t be easy to tame, because Ji-Kun won’t give up her young on a lark.
Quick, there’s little time to sparrow! Get thee to Throne of Thunder! YOU WON’T EGRET IT!!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Ji-Kun Hatchling by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[10]
Gahz’rooki
It seems fitting that trolls would be mixed up in some pretty crazy stuff, especially considering the recent antics of Vol’jin and the Darkspear tribe. Wah wah, we don’t like Garrosh! He’s a big meanie!
But I digress. Remember when times were simpler? When it was our duty to hone our abilities, learn to defend ourselves, and protect the realm? In those days, my mission was pretty straightforward: sharpen my blade on beasties, show no mercy, and don’t come back unless I’m bleeding. With that in mind, as a young lad I traveled to Zul’Farrak to face what was then considered a “fearsome” demigod: Gahz’rilla. Whatcha think of my electrified scale cloak?!
Oh, how things have changed. Now we’re all caught up in the mess being made by the current “warchief.” I put “warchief” in quotes there because—let’s be honest—he’s little more than an egomaniacal bully out to sate his bloodlust and spread his warmongering way to the rest of us until we all die a horrible, sha-riddled death as Azeroth implodes upon itself.
So here we are, charged with defending the realm once again, and preparing to ensure we can stop whatever nonsense Garrosh is up to before it’s too late. This means we need to face off against the Kor’kron Guard while we help the trolls. Yippee!
For you tamers, the reward is grand, and should remind you of the Zul’Farrak-in’ days of yore. It’s a shame you don’t have three heads, Crithto!
- Crithto: Guttural muttering from deep within your three throats will only get you so far, but Gahz’rooki is so much more than just a mini-hydra with an attitude. A triple play of Whirlpool, followed by Tail Slap, and finishing with Swallow You Whole should give you the edge against most of your opponents. If you’re into guarantees, you can take comfort in 100%-chance-to-hit moves like Geyser and Devour. Either way, you’ll become a demigod of Pet Battles with this little Aquatic fellow on your team!
Not much left to say, so GRAB YOUR MALLETS AND HEAD OUT TO DUROTAR!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about Gahz'rooki by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[11]
Swamp Croaker
One of the joys of honing my impressive list of skills involved spending time in the Swamp of Sorrows as a kid. I’d meet up with my weird uncle at Marshtide Watch, and he’d send me out into the bogs to perform various tasks that helped build my agility, speed, and a dead-eye for shootin’ things. Bang bang, Darkmoon Faire prizes galore!
I can remember one particular day when he came to me and said, “Boy, me and some of the other fellas are hungry! Fetch us up some toads so we can grill their legs for supper!” No problem, I thought, and grabbed my Red Rider Air Rifle as I sprinted off into the muck and mire. It didn’t take long for me to realize that shooting fat, lazy, croaking amphibians wasn’t much of a challenge—so instead I decided to sharp-shoot the flies they were after just before they could nab 'em with their tongues. By the power of an official Red Rider Carbine-Action 200-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
My uncle and the rest of the watch didn’t care much for the giant sack of flies I brought back instead of toads, so I just quickly got them a few Sawtooth Crocolisks instead. They slept well that night!
Crithto’s gonna take a lick at explaining what I’ve been goin’ on about and the next pet you’re to hunt down.
- Crithto: It is well advised that you do not attempt to touch a Swamp Croaker . . . but if you can capture one in a cage, you’re well on your way to Pet Battle superiority! These bulbous, wart-covered toads are well-suited to being your bridge pet with moves like Swarm of Flies and Bubble, or you can come out swinging like a champ with the potentially heavy-hitting abilities Water Jet and Frog Kiss. Major Payne will let you know what happens if you come in physical contact with one.
As my four-legged friend said, touching a Swamp Croaker is bad news. Granted, I’m immune to their poisoned skin because I’m just that awesome, but Grizzle isn’t. Thanks to his absent-minded affection for licking things that look like rocks, I need to get my poor little cub to a vet stat! In the meantime, you need to get back out to the Isle of Thunder with your tongues stowed safely behind your teeth, and your team of pets at the ready. IT’S YOUR TURN TO START SPRINTING!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Swamp Croaker by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[12]
Direhorn Runt
A few months ago, I heard rumors of a secret club of knuckleheads who liked to round up large, ferocious beasts into a corral and try to ride them like ponies. Fools—their outfit didn’t last two days before most of them were gored, maimed, or waiting to get fitted for a wooden peg leg. Looks like the bears got to them before I could!
In honor of their stupidity . . . err, tomfoolery . . . err, courageous efforts, I’ve collected a handful of superior warriors like myself to create our own club: The Direhorn Expert Riding Professionals Syndicate. Whatchu giggling at, tamer?!
Uhem. So the club travels to the Isle of Giants every Thursday to lasso a few direhorns, climb on top, and see who can ride theirs the farthest without being plucked off by a devilsaur. So far I have the highest score as I dictate this while still encircling the island. You know it!
Sadly, some of these three-horned dinosaurs end up too exhausted to let someone else take a turn, and it’s up to you to clear them out. Before you start crying again, let’s hear what the Prince of Fezzes has to say about your potential reward.
- Crithto: As you slay the lazy dinos that can’t keep up with Major Payne and his merry band of rodeo clow. . . .
Watch it, pug!
- Crithto: . . .Er, Major Payne and his army of vicious death-bringers, you have the chance to receive the Direhorn Runt. Before you fall victim to its adorable face, just know that a combination of Stampede and Trihorn Charge is sure to remind you what an ugly defeat looks like. Taming one, however, will give you a way to stand resilient against any opponent by using Trihorn Shield and Horn Attack. Just don’t try to ride one around the Isle of Giants, as you’re bound to aggro every single prehistoric monster alive.
Now, I understand the temptation to ride a wild direhorn like I do will be difficult to avoid, but I’m telling ya, a tamer like you would just be begging for a hole in the head. Thankfully, you have access to tame versions to ride, should you get it together long enough to earn one. For the time being, though, you need to move on out to the Isle and get the place set up for next Thursday. MOOOOOOVE IT!!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Direhorn Runt by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[13]
Lil’ Bad Wolf
Well, tamers, while you’ve begun to show some signs of development from my rigid training regimen, you’ve yet to truly experience terror. Terror beyond your wildest dreams. Terror that cannot be described by mere archaic words. Terror that eats your soul and spits it back out, only to pluck it off the ground and wrap it up. . .
. . .in a quilt. A lovely, handmade quilt!
You know, there’ve been moments I wished certain individuals I encountered were members of my incredibly powerful family—characters of surpassing might who leave you gasping for life while mocking your insignificant existence with their laughter. Yet, in all my years on Azeroth, no one has impressed me as much as Grandmother. Sure, Karazhan might seem like the ideal place to relax and spend your twilight years, but once inside, one quickly finds that hope is a lost cause and nothing is what it seems. Run away, little girl, run away!
Though she’s a sweet, gray-haired old lady . . . who has big ears, big eyes, and phat lewtz . . . she’s also the one responsible for countless delicious deaths—and the keeper of a Spiky Collar that’s even more epic than Crithto’s. Huff and puff, lil’ pug!
- Crithto: A pint-sized picture of Grandmother’s true form, Lil’ Bad Wolf is the prized pet you’re after. Chew through your opponents and leave them clinging to life with merciless abilities like Howl and Mangle. If defense with dire ramifications is more your style, open with Dodge, and follow up with Counterstrike and Pounce, quickly earning an advantage against faster-moving foes. Whatever your strategy, you’re sure to feel like all the world’s your stage with this angry canine on your team!
While chatting with the Echo of Medivh about this week’s training exercise over some tea and crumpets, he had this to say: “Mwahahahaha!!” I guess that means he thinks you’re too feeble to take on this challenge, so why don’t you go prove him wrong? DON’T LET ME DOWN, OPERA LOVERS!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about Lil' Bad Wolf by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[14]
Coilfang Stalker
Gather ’round, tamers—I have a story to tell you. See this scar on my back? It came from a pesky rogue who was traipsing around Icecrown trying to stir up trouble with my Argent Tournament friends. He got the jump on me for a second, but as you can clearly see, I’m alive and kicking . . . and you best believe he’s not! Daggers are wet noodles to me!
You know what he had coated on his tiny, dull blades? That’s right, poison! And do you know where he got this poison? Zangarmarsh! Evidence shows that Spore Walkers generate noxious compounds, and when carefully collected, cowardly kidney-ticklers like that rogue will sometimes apply them to their stilettos and go around making people break out in sores. Well, I’ve had enough! It’s time to rise up against these beasts and take back our ability to be stabbed without the fear of an acne breakout!
Now, rumors are that the mother of all Spore Walkers was the Black Stalker. You remember her, don’t you? She was the tall weirdo you faced in the Underbog with the super long gams. Well, there’s an even more sinister rumor that momma has left Lady Vashj in control of her young brood. Your mission is to exact vengeance against this maniacal follower of Illidan. In the process, you might get to take one of these alien-lookin’ things home with you. Bring in Stumpy!
- Crithto: I’ll show you stumpy . . . uhem! The Black Stalker’s children aren’t just known for their looks, but also for their ability to melt your face with a glaring look from their eye. Oddly enough, Coilfang Stalkers don’t use poison to whittle down their enemies, but rather take advantage of the powers of the arcane. From their Focused Beams hitting for increasing amounts of damage to their Surges of Power nearly blasting holes in the time-space continuum, this magical pet is sure to bring your team some deadly versatility.
There you have it! Coilfang Reservoir is your destination, Serpentshrine Cavern your likely resting place. Just one more important note before you leave: TAINTED CORES ARE NOT FOR CONSUMPTION!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Coilfang Stalker by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[15]
Electrified Razortooth
To become as accomplished and feared as I am, one must go beyond the daily sets of 100 one-armed pushups and 3-minute-mile runs. One must also endeavor to test one’s strength and endurance—to wrestle with Azeroth’s fiercest creatures! Take me for example: I’ve been able to defeat Oondasta 27 times now with nary a scratch. Zandalari Warbringers? Yeah, the ones I’ve beaten are busy cleaning up after my pets now. In my more youthful days—and just for fun—I would explore the dangers of this world with legends like Brann Bronzebeard and Harrison Jones, just to see what kinds of trouble we could get into. Adventure is out there!
Sadly, you tamers are still a bit mushy around the midsection, so I’ll go easier on you. Instead of “adventuring” with Vicejaw or Mecha-Bruce with one leg tied behind your back (Major Payne–style), your orders are to locate and tame the elusive and mysterious Electrified Razortooth. Baby steps for you, pudgy!
Keep in mind, these beasts are empowered by the same storms Lei Shen now controls. Crithto will brief you on this shocking exercise.
- Crithto: There’s clearly not enough swamp goo in your boots, so it’s back to the Isle of Thunder for you! The Electrified Razortooth is an elusive crocolisk imbued with lightning, which influences its abilities. Crippling combos like Rip and Blood in the Water will surely get the best of your opponent. Meanwhile, you can command your enemies with Paralyzing Shock while surviving to fight another day with Devour. Much like me, this pet might be cute, but it packs a mighty wallop!
I’ll admit, the rumors of a Timeless Isle are quite intriguing to Azeroth’s Most Accomplished Champion of Champions, but I’ve grown quite fond of the Isle of Thunder. As you already know, I like to vacation there, so sending you back isn’t the most pleasant order I’ve had to give. Nonetheless, I have a job and a duty to perform, and if that means I must once again collect bodies and clean up your blood stains, so be it. QUIT YOUR BELLY-ACHIN’ AND GET A MOVE ON!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Electrified Razortooth by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[16]
Phoenix Hatchling
Let’s pretend I set you ablaze with a quick cast of Pyroblast. You burn, you simmer, you turn to ash, and then what? You’re dead! Yet one particular elemental creature is able to withstand such punishment and live on. And on . . . and on . . . and on . . . and on.
The mighty phoenix provides you with a graphic understanding of what it means to survive. Granted, it’s sort of cheating by being able to rise from its own ashes, but that shouldn’t stop you from finding inspiration. Can you feel it?!
The Isle of Quel’Danas is home to the Shattered Sun Offensive, charged with protecting our beloved planet from Kil’jaeden’s destructive ways. There you’ll also find an exiled member of the Council of Six, Kael’thas Sunstrider, and if his maniacal laughter hasn’t scarred your mind yet, then I’ll make sure it does. For this week’s exercise, I want you to infiltrate Magisters’ Terrace, work your way through its dark corridors, find Kael’thas, and see if he rises from his own ashes! If you’re lucky enough to survive, Crithto has information about the reward I’m hesitant to think you deserve.
- Crithto: It is said that Kael’thas developed the incredibly powerful ability to summon a phoenix. Through this spell, an offspring—of sorts—was conjured as well, which you might know as the Phoenix Hatchling. Taming one may require some patience, but once captured and assimilated into your team, you’ll enjoy the benefits of both Sunstrider’s essence and a ferocious elemental pet. Quickly roast your enemies with Burn and Conflagrate, or carefully Peck (see what I did there?) apart the competition with Immolation and Immolate. Just be careful—this pet is likely to singe hair!
Much like the glorious streams of brilliance left in my wake as I walk across a room, so too flow the flames from the wings of the phoenix. Now, I know what you’re thinking: How can a phoenix even continue to exist whilst in my presence? It can’t! And it’s likely you can’t exist in their presence, but we aren’t here to test the laws of awesome, are we? We are here to test your ability to listen, though . . . so why aren’t you on your way to the Isle of Quel’Danas already?! ALL ABOARD THE FLAME TRAIN!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Phoenix Hatchling by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[17]
Tiny Blue Carp
Unpleasant experiences are a part of becoming the most incredible Pet Battles champion you can be. You’re surrounded by enemies, challenged at every corner, and put to the test with each encounter. And yet you remain squishy. Blah blah, you’ve begun to show some signs of becoming a lean machine, blah blah blah. Yet you’re still too impatient, too hasty with what you hope to achieve. Hurry up and slow down!
When I was a boy, I would visit my crazy grandfather who lived in a shack in Stranglethorn Vale and loved to go fishing. Every day he’d gather up a pile of Goblin Fishing Bombs he pilfered from Booty Bay, jump into his skiff, and carpet the Southern Savage Coast in search of a 33 Pound Catfish. When I’d come to visit, he’d make me use less interesting techniques to help him: I’d have to fetch a switch, whittle it to a point, and then he’d tie a rope around me and toss me overboard. En garde, poisson!
Since then, I’ve been the first and only person to skewer two of the elusive gill-breathers in one lunge. My success was due to—I mean, come on! Look at me! You, on the other hand, need more practice . . . and that’s just what you’re gonna get. Crithto!
- Crithto:' The elusive Tiny Blue Carp is your next assignment. Rumored to be found in the Vale of Eternal Blossoms and Townlong Steppes, this bubbly feller might be cute to the untrained eye, but can easily delve out some serious damage. It has basic moves that are pretty punishing, like combining Wild Magic with Surge—but when coupled with a pet that can create Arcane Winds, the Tiny Blue Carp is a squall of watery death! Hint: Psychic Blast and Mana Surge can be a tidal wave of pain. ;)
Grab your rod and reel, tamers! I’ve got nothing left for ya other than this weary look on my face at your malleable feels. WHO WANTS TO BORROW MY FISH-POKING STICK?!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Tiny Blue Carp by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[18]
Elder Python
There it was, glimmering in a shaft of light that leaked in from a crack cave’s ceiling, just atop a pedestal that looked completely harmless. Who knew such treasures could be found in undiscovered caverns in Uldum? Of course, the moment I grabbed it was the moment every single booby trap imaginable let loose upon me! I ran, I dodged, I even jumped over a giant hole in the floor just as it opened up to try and swallow me. Can’t catch Payne!
Exiting the cave, I bolted through the forest adjacent to the river that ran along the Akhenet Fields. I could just make out the dual-prop idling in the water as I raced through the tall grass. Suddenly, behind me I could hear the cries of a million pygmies! “Ooga booga! Ooga booga!” they cried out. And as if that weren’t enough to send chills up your spine, I immediately began to feel the wind of their poisonous darts whiz by my head. I quickened my pace. “Start the engines!” I yelled. “Start the engines!!”
Whew! Once we got enough air, I could finally relish my discovery. But that elation, too, was short lived, as I could feel something slithering up my pant leg. “What the hell is that??”
“Ooooh, pretty!” Budd replied absentmindedly, and out of the cockpit and over the side he went, leaving me slightly confused . . . and alone with whatever it was. No matter! I was able to parachute to safety using my flowing cape of stupendousness. When I finally reached the ground, I discovered what was trying to hug my hamstrings: an Elder Python! Ewww! I hate snakes!
Need to vomit . . . Crithto, explain . . .
- Crithto: Major Payne hates snakes, so your duty is to take your team of pets and find some Elder Pythons on the Isle of Thunder and kill them all. Well, not all. I’d love it you were able to tame one for yourself. Just don’t tell Payne I said this! Now, it should be known these are as mean as they are in stories. They can pack a punch with Slither or Burrow, or whittle you down with their agonizing venom-based abilities like Poison Fang, Huge Fang, or Sting. Careful—some are even known to spit!
I really, really hate snakes. Hate ’em! Just go, get out of my sight, and avenge my grief and the lunch I just lost. WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE SNAKES?!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Elder Python by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[19]
Living Sandling
Last week, after I finished clearing Heroic Throne of Thunder by myself, I decided to take a break and go search for treasure in the deserts of Tanaris. As I crested a dune that had a whale skeleton sitting on top, I felt the wind kick up more than it normally does. So much so that the hairs on the back of my neck (and my back, for that matter) all stood up! As a sandy whirlwind approached me, it began to take the form of a Sand Elemental. Apparently, one of them survived my onslaught and followed me out there to exact revenge. I won! Haha!
Wouldn’t you know it? It left a Sand Trap behind after it died, which swallowed up one of my boots. Well, how am I supposed to kick your butt without it?! So, when you’re done with your 500 flutter-kicks and 3-minute-mile run, you get to go back to the Throne of Thunder and show these dusty fools that messin’ with your beloved Major Payne is unacceptable! Aren’t I just the most thoughtful?
If you’re lucky enough, perhaps one of them will leave behind their spawn: a Living Sandling. Scoots McCrithto has the details.
- Crithto: The very embodiment of . . . well, clumped-up sand that is alive, really . . . the Living Sandling is a true utility pet providing you with some interesting strategic options. With its high health, you can use it as a tank, taking advantage of Stoneskin and pummeling your opponent with Quicksand. For the craftier tamer who likes to mix it up, drop a Sandstorm and finish your pet’s round with Stone Rush. Coupled with other pets and their abilities, this tiny bundle of desert gravel with really big fists could be the difference between winning and losing. Oh, and my name ain’t Scoots!
Just so you know, word got back to me that some of you thought my hatred of snakes was laugh-worthy. I never said they frightened me! They’re just icky and slimy and they don’t have arms and legs. But do you know what’s not icky or slimy and does have arms? Sand Elementals! And now you get to go kill some. YOU CAN’T BURY YOUR HEAD IN THIS ONE!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Living Sandling by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[20]
Pocket Reaver
During the first few weeks of my military training, my commanding officer sent me to Hellfire Peninsula on a recon mission to scout for malicious fel orc activity. Simple enough task, I thought. Getting around was fairly easy. Being unseen was a breeze. Smiting angry creatures who got in my way was a cake walk . . . and then I encountered the Fel Reaver. Rawrararar!!
I’ll never forget the sound it made and how it pierced my eardrums just before a giant metallic foot stomped on me. Fortunately, it takes a lot more than a jerking pile of space junk to squash ol’ Payne, so with a few swings, it fel for good. See what I did thar?!
Several weeks later, while learning the ropes of battle strategy, I and several others from my company were sent into The Eye to confront the mechanical beast that Kael’thas summoned to guard his super-terrific palace of blood elfiness. It was no Fel Reaver, that’s for sure, and despite putting up a decent fight, it too couldn’t hold out against the mighty Payne and his comrades. My turn to rawrararar!!
Rumor now is that this beefed-up robot holds onto a miniaturized version of itself, and if you’re savvy enough with your own battle strategies, you could potentially seize the lil’ toy for yourself. Brief ’em, Crithto!
- Crithto: Coursing with fel energy and cursed with an unstable chassis, the Pocket Reaver is a mechanical fiend you’ll certainly want on your roster. It’s got excellent utility spells, like Fel Immolate and Quake, which can quickly weaken your opponent’s team. For moments when you need to shatter bones, wind it up with Supercharge and let it go with Thrash. If you happen to have tamed one already, we recommend steering clear of Venture Trading Company outposts. These little guys love oil!
Look, it’s no mystery that you frequently visit The Eye in order to find the elusive Ashes of A’lar—ha ha, I have three of them!—so sending you back in to take down a monstrosity like the Void Reaver shouldn’t trouble your precious souls too much. Keep in mind, though, that the encounter must be handled very delicately using only wild, unadulterated brute force. There’s a conundrum for ya! Sigh . . . put down the bouquet of daisies and set course for Netherstorm, tamer.
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Pocket Reaver by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[21]
Unborn Val’kyr
Tracking and trapping skills are extremely important. Ask any hunter—it takes time and dedication to stalk your prey. And out here in Northrend where yours truly makes his home, it’s not as easy as you’d think. Around every corner, trampling all the flowers, are the Scourge . . . icky, smelly Scourge! The rumor is, if one touches you, you’ll wander off aimlessly in search of brains for all eternity. Ha, you’re used to that already!
In order for you to become a tracking master, I’ve cooked up a fun little exercise that’s sure to keep you on your toes. Literally! At 0600 hours, I want you to assemble with your fellow tamers at the Argent Tournament grounds. From there, you’ll head out on foot across Northrend in search of the elusive Unborn Val’kyr. No compass, no flying mount, and no Conjured Mana Cakes are allowed! Just good ol’ fashioned determination and a whole lot of time. Best bring a walking stick!
When I say elusive, I mean they’re harder to find than being hit with lightning twice while riding on a devilsaur on top of a shark with laser beams. And don’t even think about jammin’ to da voodoo and doing a dance or something thinking that will make one appear. You are clearly on your own with this task. Don’t worry, though, when you get back to the Tournament grounds, I’ll have tutti frutti snow cones waiting for you.
Not really!
Do your thing, pug.
- Crithto: Unborn Val’kyr are remnants of the blight laid upon the women of Valkyrion by the Lich King. While they may not possess the same undead-raising skills as their fully developed mothers, they can certainly be a bane on other pets. Strictly undead in ability, each one is capable of ripping apart your opponent using spells like Curse of Doom and Haunt. Survival, of course, is merely relative to these creatures, as they can use Siphon Life to extend their time on the battlefield or cast Unholy Ascension to give your team the edge. Adorable? Yes. Deadly? Double yes!
When you get to Icecrown, do me a favor? Try not to cry too much, because your tears only make the cold ground slippery. SEE YOU IN THE MORNIN’!!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Unborn Val'kyr by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[22]
Filthling
You know, I just realized something. You people are way too clean. How you’ve tippy-toed around avoiding stains and muck is beyond me. It’s almost as if you think you’re just too pretty to take any messy risks! Seriously, how on Azeroth do you expect to become a champion like me if you’re not willing to get dirty? And I mean really dirty. So dirty that you become an enormous, coagulated, animate pile of filth!
Near my favorite place to go camping in Ihgaluk Crag is a cesspool of liquid nastiness. Other than the Skumblade who trudge through the sludge, there you will find blobs of smelly, gross goo called Quivering Filth. Quite frankly, they don’t really quiver as much as they like to undulate . And as they slide about, they leave behind an incredibly stinky fog. We’ll just pretend it’s body odor and not emanated from some other . . . uhem . . . location. They don’t have fingers to pull!
March yourselves on out to the Crag and jump in! These foul beings are more than just offensive to our olfactory systems—they also have the ability to grow very large. Once they get to be about as big as a kodo, you might be able to really become filthy enough to own one. Give 'em the dirty details, Crithto!
- Crithto: For the record, Filthlings are gross. Their breath smells, they’re very ugly, and quite frankly, I don’t care for their evil grins. Regardless, in Pet Battles, what makes them disgusting also makes them incredibly powerful. Combine noxious abilities like Dreadful Breath with Cleansing Rain, and then follow up with Corrosion, and watch your opponent suffer a painfully quick death. Or share the full breadth of its stench while amplifying its survival with Expunge and Absorb. Yes, you’ll feel kinda icky with this pet by your side, but imagine the suffering your enemies will experience when the Filthling dribbles onto the battlefield!
I fully expect to receive your reports of success within 48 hours, but don’t even think about telling me in person. You can mail the reports to me in Icecrown when you’re done, thank you very much. I’m far too fabulous to have to see and smell what you’re going to be when this is all said and done. TIME TO WALLOW IN THE “MUD,” TAMERS!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Filthling by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[23]
Xu-Fu, Cub of Xuen
Cotton candy and double rainbows; fluffy clouds and a meadow of wildflowers; dreams of flying like an eagle and an ice-cold brew on a hot day—with so many peaceful things in this world, it’s hard to contemplate them all. And after a long, arduous journey of working to become a Pet Battle champion, I felt it was time to give you a much needed break so you too can find inner peace. Are you ready?!
The task is really very simple: You need only venture to the Timeless Isle, enter the Celestial Tournament hosted by Master Li, decimate three teams of legendary pets tamed by some of Azeroth’s most notable figures, defeat the four legendary Celestial Children, and collect a Celestial Coin. Come back for more and go through the same gauntlet two more times over two weeks to earn a total of three coins. Voila! Now you’ve earned the right to adopt Xu-Fu, Cub of Xuen, and thus usher in a newfound zen that’s sure to make all your peaceful dreams come true.
Bwahahaha! You don’t stand a chance!
Uhem . . . see? A walk in the park, right? Or a walk in the arena, as it were. No matter—I’m, like, totally rooting for you to succeed and stuff. *cough*
- Crithto: Many of you know better than to let the mere appearance of a pet fool you. The same goes for Xu-Fu, as this lil’ ball of fur has been taught well by Papa Xuen. A combination of abilities like Moonfire and Spirit Claws are sure to rake your opponent into submission. But Xu-Fu also has incredibly powerful defensive spells like Prowl and Feed, which will keep this cub going for the long haul. Trust me, I don’t usually fear tiny kittens, but when it comes to Xu-Fu, I’m glad I’m far, far away in Stormwind!
Look, I expect to receive quite a few communiques from Master Li riddled with guffaws and coarse language—that’s a given. But do me a favor? Could you go be that one tamer who impresses him, huh? IT’S NOT LIKE I’M NOT ASKIN’ A LOT OF YOU HERE!!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about Xu-Fu by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[24]
Tainted Waveling
Instability is the name of the game, and your soul is what’s at stake. This is commonplace all over the world, mind you—you risk serious injury or even death the moment you walk outside. Heck, just go for a stroll through Orgrimmar. Kor’kron wut?! But Azeroth is a dangerous environment for you, your pets, and even your shiny armor . . . if you have any. Don’t let the rays of light from mine blind you!
There are many reasons why you might find yourself in peril, and quite a few of them can be traced back to Lady Vashj. A vicious servant of Illidan’s, Vashj is responsible for unspeakable actions that have corrupted numerous mindless followers. One such manifestation of her ill-temperament is the elemental Hydross—and your charge is to vanquish this wet blanket in the name of polished shields and brilliant hauberks everywhere! Lay waste to this gurgling spout of poison, and you may very well walk away with the greatest form of mockery ever to exist: a miniature version of the foe you’ve defeated! Bwaahahaha, look at the teensy you!
Taint their minds with your knowledge, pugmeister!
- Crithto: Well, Payne’s removed the suspense once again, but the prize you’re after is the Tainted Waveling. A loathsome creature, this pet is capable of incredible burst damage by coupling Acidic Goo with Ooze Touch. If you’re as ill-tempered as Lady Vashj, though, you’re welcome to decompose your opponent in a torturous manner by using Corrosion, Poison Spit, and Creeping Ooze. Rumors suggest the Tainted Waveling is the “Earl of Puddles,” but no one’s said what those puddles are. I suspect they’re the remains of someone’s team of pets!
I like that, Crithto! The Earl of Puddles: turning pet teams into stinky billabongs since the corruption of the Highborne.
Alright, you’ve got your marching orders, tamers! Get on out to Zangarmarsh and go for a swim. Set your waypoints to Coilfang Reservoir, but remember, I’ll LAUGH IN YOUR FACE IF YOU DIE TO THE ELEVATOR BOSS!!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Tainted Waveling by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[25]
Blossoming Ancient
The story goes that Stone Cold Trixxy contacted me a few days ago looking for help with her team’s strategy. Of course, who else would a Master Tamer contact? Yours truly, that’s who! Earlier that day, Historian Llore had tasked me with researching the temporal anomolies that are occuring on the Timeless Isle, so I happened to be in Stormwind at the time she contacted me. Given that The Bravery was docked right there, I decided I’d leave a day early and set sail for Rut’theran Village on Teldrassil so I could finally see the night elf city of Darnassus. I had never been there before, so I was pretty amped up to walk through and be gazed upon by its astonished denizens.
I took the portal into the city and was immediately taken aback by its beauty. Not just because it was so lush and impressive in size, but because I’d finally found a place worthy of my own illustrious presence. Where’s my red carpet?! Immediately, I headed over to the Temple of the Moon, paid my respects to Tyrande Whisperwind, played Malfurion Stormrage in some new card game where he clearly cheated, and then walked over to the Cenarion Enclave. There I got to wrestle with a Stormsaber, climb a couple trees with one arm—and then that’s when it happened. As I was rounding the area, checking out the sights, I happened upon a giant tree the locals called an Ancient Protector. He and I sat amidst the leaves and chatted about life, philosophy, and his duties as a primeval guardian of the night elves.
What an experience! Rarely does someone or something impress me more than my own reflection, but I gotta say, Ancients are wondrous creatures who deserve a sturdy salute. The wisdom he imparted me I’ll cherish for the rest of my life. No, I’m not tellin’ you what he said! Needless to say, I finally made it to Winterspring the next day, where I met up with Trixxy. Grrr, what a mess!! Gimme a second to take a few breaths . . . Crithto’s got something he wants to share with you anyway.
- Crithto: Ancients are impressive, natural creatures who beckon your respect with their mere presence. And thanks to the ingenuity of the Cenarion Circle, you can own one as your very own pet. The Blossoming Ancient is an elemental companion that can level the battlefield with its versatility and power. Abilities like Sunlight and Photosynthesis can give your team a natural advantage, while Stun Seed, Ironbark, and Autumn Breeze make for a incredibly protective combination. Even more fascinating than their resilience in battle is the unique ability to change their appearance with the seasons. And if I’m not mistaken, it’s autumn in Azeroth, and each Blossoming Ancient now reflects this time of year with its falling foliage.
I hereby give you tamers my solemn permission to continue to school Stone Sold Trixxy in the ways of Pet Battles. You may still be a bit squishy and soft, but believe me, she’s got a lot to learn and I’m confident enough in my training that you can show her the err in her ways. Don’t let it go to your heads, though! NEXT WEEK YOU’RE THE ONE GETTIN’ SCHOOLED!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Blossoming Ancient by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[26]
Stunted Direhorn
The time has come! You’ve endured smelly swamps, frigid temperatures, wrinkly skin from swimming too long, and most important, my deafening laughter as you’ve struggled to succeed. But I’m not always as cold-hearted as some of you have suggested, and I think it’s time you put your skills and training to the test. Now you’ll face a real challenge that most of you will fail at . . . err, I mean focus on with great determination. Ahem. Are you ready?!
Scattered throughout Azeroth are skilled tamers with teams of pets capable of scarring the very face of the planet. These individuals are itchin’ for a fight, and this week, your mission is to see if you can take ’em down. More specifically, your mission is to take down 250 of ’em! You heard me! Your effort won’t be without reward, though. For behold, those champions who manage to score 250 wins in PvP Pet Battles will earn themselves one of the rarest pets in the world! My pink bow-wearing compadre will tell you more.
- Crithto: *mutter mutter* Stupid pink bow . . . Bred only in secret on the Isle of Giants, the Stunted Direhorn is another deceptively cute companion. Tamers who wish to earn the right to have one as a pet will need to earn the achievement Brutal Pet Brawler by winning 250 PvP battles against other players. Do so, and you can look forward to vicious DPS combinations like Stampede and Trihorn Charge. Equally important is this little guy’s ability to tank the competition with its Trihorn Shield and Horn Attack abilities. Armored and stout, with eyes that will melt your heart right before it punctures your chest cavity, the Stunted Direhorn is a true badge of honor for accomplished Pet Battlers.
Consider for a moment that we’ve traveled back in time three years. There you are inside Mimiron’s chamber, just you and your trusty weapon. It’s all or nothing. No one is around to help you, and you’re about to face off not against a mischievous robot, but a giant red button. Go on! Press it and face the terrors it summons! This mission is much the same, except that instead of pushing a giant red button, you’re gonna push a tiny button a few hundred times that summons similar sorts of terrors and be put into a position where you only need to beat 250 of ’em. That’s all there is to it!
Easy peasy, my missions aren’t so sleazy . . . SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Stunted Direhorn by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[27]
Twilight Fiendling
My mind swirls with determination, so much so that it almost feels like I’m corrupted. I seethe with focused anger at the thought of anyone or anything not tasting the edge of my blade. If ever there lives a creature that has not squared off against me in heated battle, I should question my own existence! Yet there is one key difference between me and the mindless drones that drool with genetics-led passion for bloodlust: I’m guided by divine wisdom, tested strength, and a set of biceps that could pop the head off an Iron Giant like a Telaari Grape, and they are not! Watch me flex and kiss each one!
Horrors are not uncommon in this world. From the watery expanse of the Abyssal Depths to the darkened halls of Karazhan, manifestations of corrupted dreams creep in the darkness searching for hosts to sate their parasitic tendencies. But many don’t know of the nests of fiends that skitter to and fro across the stained earth in Twilight Highlands. Twilight Fiendlings—to be more specific—are vicious freeloaders that aimlessly seek small prey from which they can draw life with their toothy little mouths. Prey like your face!
Pugtastic has some more information about these devilish beings.
- Crithto: The creeping embodiments of nightmares, Twilight Fiendlings can be found in corrupted areas of Twilight Highlands—though you may need to quest a bit in the region to remove the veil that hides these pets from newcomers. (In other words, they may be affected by phasing.) Once captured and properly trained, these magical creatures can become an actual nightmare for your opponent. Combine Adrenal Glands and Leap to see your enemy’s health diminish to life-threatening levels, or fire off Rake and Siphon Life to secure your pet’s dominance. Just a couple warnings for those who wish to tame one: they don’t like to be pet, and I firmly suggest you do not tug at their tentacles, as this will only result in loss of limb.
There can only be one menace on this planet . . . and that’s me! Therefore, your orders are to head to Twilight Highlands and capture not one, but three of these specimens for me to extermin—err, I mean examine for, uhh, research purposes. Yeah, that’s it! And I don’t want ones that are weak or malnourished—I want you to bring back only the finest in quality! Do this for me, and I might just stop referring to you as maggots and upgrade you to urchins! LOOKING AT YOU GIVES ME SCARY DREAMS. GET OUTTA MY SIGHT!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Twilight Fiendling by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[28]
Lesser Voidwalker
When I was a boy, I used to have a recurring nightmare where I was in a dark room lit only by a sliver of light that leaked in from beneath the door. It would take me a few moments for my eyes to adjust, at which point I would go from sensing a presence to seeing the silhouette of a shadowy being against the far wall. “Who are you?!” I’d cry out. “What do you want?!” But it felt like my words were entering a vacuum, as if the creature was drawing the air out of my lungs. Standing idly, the menacing figure eerily emanated a subtle swirl of noise, as if it was sucking up all the hope and happiness from around it. It was utter sadness, I say!
Then, the lanterns hanging from its shoulders would begin to glow, and it would hiss in a voice that pierced my very soul. “Cannot resissssst”, it would say. Resist . . . resist . . . my mind would become a flurry of fear and instinct. I must resist!
Every time I’d have this nightmare, I’d reach for my sword and try to lunge at the creature, hoping to scare it away. And every time, a cold, lifeless cloud of darkness would overwhelm me . . . and I would instantly awaken.
For years I wanted to confront this beast, and it wasn’t until after I enlisted in the military that I finally got my chance.
- Crithto: Enigmatic and emanating pure demonic fury, a voidwalker is sometimes the last thing someone encounters before crossing over into death. Similarly, a skillfully commanded Lesser Voidcaller can lead an opponent’s Pet Battle team to its own dark demise. Curse of Doom and a series of Nether Blast spells are sure to do an incredible amount of damage, but you can also promote your pet’s survivability by taking advantage of Siphon Life and Drain Power. Even if you don’t care about versatility, you’ll certainly have one of the creepiest-looking pets in game—so best of luck out there!
High Astromancer Solarian was her name, and a cold lifeless grave was her . . . uhh . . . game! See? ’Cause she acts all tough and stuff but really just wanted me to end her miserable life, so that totally makes sense. Totally.
Stop lookin’ at me funny!
Okay, fine, that was a stretch—why don’t you just go and find out for yourself? THERE’S SOMETHING IN YOUR EYE!
GET IT?!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Lesser Voidcaller by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[29]
Unspeakable Horror!
Only a few creatures in this world truly deserve to be called unspeakable horrors—creatures that will not only melt your face, but melt your soul . . . all the while laughing in your face. Creatures so frightful, so paralyzing, that to even hint at their presence would cause villages to flee in terror, Barrens Giraffes to keel over dead, and reinforced stone garrisons to spontaneously burst into flames.
Horrors, I tell ya!!
No, seriously, have you ever witnessed objects both animate and inanimate succumb to the most sinister, the most evil, dreadful, terrible creatures alive? I don’t even want to go into what could happen if you were to encounter one in person!
On second thought . . . let’s just say these things we cannot speak of will make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes!
No, it’s not quite good on toast!
I really don’t think you’re getting this. Never have I been more serious. If my battle-hardened experience cannot convince you that even mentioning this topic is threat enough to our existence, I’m left with little else to live for! And the thought of just one of these unspeakable creatures is enough to make even the almighty Major Payne need a change of undies.
Yeah, that’s right!
The inattentive glaze over your eyes tells me you refuse to understand the severity of what I’m trying to impart here. Perhaps the one creature we can speak about has more information. Crithto?
- Crithto: Personally, I don’t really see what the big deal is here, but judging by the glare I’m getting from Payne right now, perhaps I can explain things a bit better. This wide-eyed, grinning, singing monstrosity is capable of enraging whole raids, forcing mountain yetis to go into early hibernation, and Crafty itself to jump out of the water and onto your fishing raft. But let’s assume you’re audacious enough to capture one for yourself. Well, you’ll be able to spread fear by taking advantage of abilities like Sunlight and Solar Beam. You could even taunt death itself with Photosynthesis or Inspiring Song, followed by the Early spell. But—sigh—the Major is right. We really shouldn’t be talking about this.
Look, I can’t sit here and tell you to go to Hillsbrad Foothills to locate the farm near Sludgeguard Tower. Zombies abound, mad Brazie has a handful of tasks to complete, and the prize at the end is . . . I just can’t say! Besides, it would be too horrific to send you into something so perilous only to have you emerge a lifeless, mindless pawn doing this devious creature’s bidding. But ultimately, you control your own destiny, and I am but a leader whose reach can only go so far. So if you should choose to befriend a Singing Sunflower . . . may the Titans be with you.
TRICK OR TREAT!!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Singing Sunflower by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[30]
Crow
Given the breadth of my responsibilities and inability to fully investigate every report of devious activity, I’ve summoned all of you here to give you the details of your next mission. It is of the utmost importance that what we discuss here is kept top secret. Should you choose to leak any of the following details, I will immediately disavow your existence and send Crithto to ensure you die a swift and quiet death. Your lips will be sealed one way or another!
Your target of interest is Silas Darkmoon. He’s the purveyor of the “greatest show on Azeroth,” but my sources tell me he’s up to something sinister. Mind you, one of my sources is Topper McNabb, but that’s neither here nor there. Darkmoon is planning something—I can feel it! And I want you to investigate his island of miscreants to see what’s really going on. Sample the goods, test each activity, and make sure you’re not spotted as one of my trainees. Blend in, act like all the other seedy denizens of the island, and don’t come back until you have some concrete information about the Ringleader. I need to know!
Oh, and while you’re there, you might want to try taming a crow. It is rumored that these jackdaws carry missives from Silas to his cohorts, as well as munch on the corpses his camp is purported to leave in the adjacent woods. Don’t end up one yourself!
Pugpedia can tell you more about this creature.
- Crithto: Ahh, the enigmatic Crow; a diurnal shadow cawing from the tree tops, out of sight, lying in wait for a fresh body to nom on. Or leftover funnel cakes and crunchy frogs to nibble on—it doesn’t matter. There’s a reason why a group of crows is referred to as a murder. And being the adventurous owner of this pet is sure to produce similar results in the Pet Battles arena. The one-two punch that’s guaranteed to send a message is Call Darkness and Nocturnal Strike. Yet this elusive avian’s ability to dish out damage doesn’t stop there—especially when you combine abilities like Alpha Strike and Murder. The only advice I can give is to ensure you treat your Crow with respect. If you don’t, it tends to go for the eyes first.
Don’t mistake this task to be anything other than a reconnaissance mission. You are not to attempt to take down Silas or his minions at this time. Well, you can try, but it’s not likely you’ll survive. And even more important is to ensure you return with one of his crows. They hold secrets in their eyes and in their minds that only I can decipher. Keep in mind, the Darkmoon Faire island is a land of mystery, shrouded by something evil, and going there will require you to take advantage of all your senses. Too bad you only have five!
GET MOVIN’, BIRD WATCHERS!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Crow by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[31]
Infinite Whelpling
It appears the strange festivities of the past week have subsided and I’m now left with a pile of out-of-shape, brew-filled slackers who have neglected their training. Not acceptable!
You can toss your curses and excuses into the nether for all I care—I don’t accept crying as a form of explanation! And given that you’ve lost a week’s worth of training, I’m going to have to step it up to make sure you’re back to tip-top shape before it’s too late! I don’t like pudgy tamers!
So in light of your fall into blubbery, you are hereby ordered to head to the Isle of Quel’Danas, where you will slip into your bloomers, dip into the North Sea, and swim down towards Eversong Woods along the western coast, across to Kezan (don’t get sucked into the Maelstrom!), over to Darkshore, and around into Tanaris. Once there, you need to head into the Caverns of Time, where you will face off against the remnants of the Infinite Dragonflight: Infinite Whelplings!
Tell ’em what’s in store, Crithto!
- Crithto: Emanating the very essence of corrupted time and death, the Infinite Whelpling is a much tamer version of its bigger Infinite Dragonflight brethren. But in Pet Battles, you might want to learn to manipulate time to bring on your own Hour of Twilight, because that’s when this dragonkin truly shines! Swoop in for victory by combining a few Sleeping Gas strikes with Darkflame, or stay alive in your seemingly darkest hour by using Tail Sweep and Early Advantage followed by Healing Flame. These time-twisted things aren’t known for eating rodents or small mammals, so be sure you keep your face at arm’s length when handling one!
Nozdormu once said, “What matters is that Azeroth did not fall; that humanity survived to live another day.” He clearly hasn’t met you lot. But that’s OK! When I’m done with you, you’ll be so whipped back into shape that even the old gods might toss you a salute! So drop the Pork Belly Pie, put down the Ogre Mead, and start paddlin’ for Kalimdor! LAZY BACKSTROKE NOT ALLOWED!!!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Infinite Whelpling by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[32]
Hopling
Once upon a time, there was a little girl who wore a red cloak. One day, she decided to take some fresh Spice Bread and Highland Sheep Cheese to her grandmother, who lived in Elwynn Forest. Skipping along the path, she hummed her favorite tune and pictured all the fun times she’s had visiting with Gammy. Upon reaching the door, she could smell the warm scent of freshly made hot cocoa with cinnamon—this was to be a great day. A great day, I tell ya!
Politely, the little girl knocked at the door and announced her arrival before letting herself in. Ahh, her home away from home—so peaceful, so warm. For her, being at Gammy’s house was like experiencing every holiday all at once. She skipped through the front room and kitchen and proclaimed her presence before peeling back the curtain to her grandmother’s room.
EEEEK!!!
For you see, Gammy wasn’t home. She was at the local market, and taking up residence in her bed was a nasty, bucktoothed, demented rodent named Hopling. His beady eyes narrowed and his front teeth glistened with drool as the little girl reeled back in horror. Suddenly, his orange-tinged mouth opened and—with what can only be described as the most wretched sound ever produced—he spewed forth a torrent of semi-digested carrots. Yuck!!
Vengeance, my dear tamers . . . vengeance shall be yours! Give ’em the grimm details, pug.
- Crithto: That poor little girl . . . horrified and reeking of carrots and bile. You must exact revenge for our red-cloaked friend, and this is how you’ll do it: Venture into Stormstout Brewery and seek out 30 Golden Hoplings, which are hidden throughout the facility—see the achievement Ling-Ting’s Herbal Journey for reference. Beware of Hoptallus, who will attempt to prevent you from succeeding by using a similar vomitus-based technique. But as soon as you’ve passed this beast and collected all 30, you’ll be able to take control of a Hopling of your own for your Pet Battles team! Once enlisted, place him at the front line, where the nasty little lagomorph can make good use of abilities like Sticky Goo and Dreadful Breath against your opponents. Make him your puppet for a disgusting victory—perhaps only then will Hopling reform his retch-ed ways.
There you have it! We must do what we can to avenge this atrocity and bring Hopling to justice. And see? I’m not as cold-hearted and apathetic as some of you think. I’ll be damned if a fuzzy, stinky beaver-rat-bunny hybrid can destroy perfectly delicious bread and cheese without restitution! Mmmmmm, I’m hungry now. Get to work—I’ll be here tending to my rumbling tummy whilst you get this handled.
BUUURRRPPPP!!!!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about Hopling by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[33]
Blighthawk
Once again, your incessant need to gorge yourself during Pilgrim’s Bounty has left me with little choice. Oh sure, you stuffed your faces with turkey, all the fixin’s, and delicious pie, but you left the rest of us on Azeroth in quite a dangerous situation. Unadulterated danger!!
For you see, your insensitive actions are about to create mayhem on our dear planet the likes of which no one has ever seen. According to my pal Historian Llore, it could be nastier than the War of the Ancients, deadlier than the War of the Shifting Sands—no, you’ve succeeded in taking all of us to the brink of total annihilation! None shall live!
That is unless you do something about the havoc you’ve created . . . and I mean now! For upon the ground as far as the eye can see lie the carcasses of every friggin’ turkey known to have existed. You’ve hacked, slashed, and stomped your way to destroying our ecosystem, but more importantly, you’ve invited an onslaught of carnage I fear none of us will survive! Gathering in Western Plaguelands right this very moment are hundreds of Blighthawks that are filled with a bloodlust exacerbated by being undead. Not only will they converge upon our lands and begin to pick at the rotting flesh of every dead creature they find, they will also turn on us. Your fancy armor means nothing, either, because you don’t wear armor over your eyes!
Sigh . . . Crithto? Would you, please?
- Crithto: Before this kettle of death can make its move, Payne needs for you to head to Western Plaguelands and gather up as many Blighthawks as you can find. They won’t go quietly, but once you’ve captured and tamed the flying dead, cunning abilities like Slicing Wind and Ghostly Bite should give you an edge in battle. They’re quite versatile, too, and can prolong their dominance by taking advantage of Consume Corpse and Lift-Off. Just please, whatever you do, avoid approaching these monstrosities if you’re like me and have bacon stuck to your face.
I’m gettin’ real sick and tired of having to discipline you people rather than see you excel in your training. But I admit that in my days as a young recruit, I too stepped out of line and onto a few turkeys here and there. Granted, I didn’t jeopardize the existence of every single living being! Go kill or capture every single Blighthawk you can find and clean up this mess. Just do what needs to be done so I can come back and yell at you again next week! BECAUSE I LIKE YELLING AT YOU!!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Blighthawk by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[34]
Viscidus Globule
My spies with little eyes have informed me some of you were none too impressed with your last training assignment. Hrmph, that’s fine. You can mock me behind my back. You can chuckle about the ease of certain challenges. You can even claim you’ve previously succeeded and then think I won’t notice you taking a week off putterin’ around in your PJs—I wasn’t born yesterday. And the day before yesterday was when I was already prepared to handle situations like this. Aren’t you thankful?!
So it’s off to the bowels of the Temple of Ahn’Qiraj with you! Deep inside the lair where C’Thun dwells, you’ll find a blob of ectoplasm named Viscidus. The only speculation about this gelatinous life form comes from a wacky chemist in Undercity named Fuely who suspects its existence may be connected to the Old Gods. You better pray you have Old God–like skills, though, because that’s what you’ll need to take it down. Is “lawl” a real word? ’Cause that’s the noise I’m making right now!
Master Crithto has more for you.
- Crithto: Skewered by an arrow and a stake, Viscidus lurches about inside its own chambers awaiting any life form it can assimilate into its cellular mass. If you’re quick and knowledgeable enough, taking Viscidus down shouldn’t be too difficult. And if you’re lucky enough, perhaps it’ll drop a dollop of itself, and you can become the proud owner of the Viscidus Globule. With this pet on your team, you can instantly get the upper hand—just open with Weakness and follow up with Expunge. But if the horrific memories of facing Viscidus inspire your strategy, feel free to give your opponent an agonizing death by unleashing Acid Touch, Poison Spit, and Creeping Ooze. One word of caution: If it latches onto your foot, kiss it goodbye!
Not so tough now, are ya?! And don’t even think about appealing to me to come in and make Viscidus weaker just for the sake of your projected success. You’re on your own with this task, and you had better start planning. Ahn’Qiraj is a cavernous temple riddled with many secrets, and it’s your job to figure out what it’ll take to defeat this creature. Sure, maybe you’re already strong enough to handle it, but are you patient enough?
STAY FROSTY!!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Viscidus Globule by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[35]
Winter Reindeer
Well, well, Winter Veil is here and I have to be frank. I’m a bit concerned about Greatfather Winter’s pal, Metzen the Reindeer. You’d think after years of trouble he would have finally come to understand that his own pensive curiosity and need to wander around Azeroth when the big man’s in town only leads to trouble, but oh no! Once again, he’s gone and neglected the lessons of the past, fooled around with the wrong sort, and gotten himself captured. Again!
High in the mountains of Alterac, there’s a cave where a giant slobber-machine named the Abominable Greench has settled in. Inside the cavern he guards is an array of wonders that make this holiday special--brightly lit trees, toys, and hey, is that a wind-up corgi I see? But the most pathetic thing about this whole situation is right outside. You guessed it, it’s the wooden corral that contains the most famous reindeer of all: Metzen! Gimme a second to wipe the tears of laughter away!
Sigh . . . poor Metzen. Now, you’re probably wondering what this has to do with your Pet Battles training. Well, you see, me and Mister Winter have an accord of sorts. He knows who’s been naughty or nice, and I know who’s been naughty or nice. Mostly because he can’t beat my team with his. Haha! This year, he’s requested assistance in returning his beloved buck who tends to wander out to the same cave every single day. And in return for your nice expressions of niceness, he’s promised to deliver some gifts on Winter Veil’s Day in which you may find a tiny version of said cervidae. Facing the Greench should toughen you up, right?!
Break it down, bah hum-pug!
- Crithto: Hey, I love the holidays—watch it, Payne! Anyway, as we all know, Metzen can be just as curious as . . . well, cats, and helping out Greatfather Winter could earn you the right to have a miniature Metzen-like mammal all your own. With the Winter Reindeer on your team, you can snowball your way to a victory by assisting the others with abilities like Tranquility and Bleat, or channel the horrific memories left by the Greench by using Hoof and Headbutt. Keep an eye on this little guy’s outfit during the season! It won’t be there when it starts to get warmer.
♫ Metzen the Red-Faced Reindeer ♪
♪ Had a very shiny nose, ♫
♫ And if you ever saw it, ♪
♪ You would even say ♫ . . . HEY, WAIT A SECOND, WHERE’D HE GO?!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Winter Reindeer by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[36]
Not On Vacation!
- Crithto: Greetings, tamers! I just received a missive from Major Payne regarding this week’s training. Here’s what he had to say:
| Pug, I want you to keep an eye on our trainees. It’s imperative that they remain focused on maintaining their regimen of daily exercises (including their swim laps around Pandaria and 1000 push-ups), Pet Battles, and strengthening their focus via back-to-back-to-back nigh-impossible encounters. At 0600 Monday morning, I will be back from my . . . bivouac on Jaguero Isle. This is not, I repeat, not a vacation or attempt to enjoy the holidays. Muscly masses of manliness like me have no time to rest and relax!
--Major Payne P.S. The mystery gift you received was not from me! P.P.S. Keep up the great work. P.P.P.S. NOT A VACATION!! |
- Crithto: Happy Holidays, everybody! Like Payne said, be sure to continue your training. Just between us, though—and don’t tell him I said this—do be sure to have a fun time with your family and friends. Also, I hope you got something really cool under the Winter Veil tree this year![37]
Clock'em
My oh my, don’t you all look like a hot, plump mess! I see you’ve been in the figgy pudding and wolfing down way too many holiday treats. Your apathetic attitudes toward getting in shape and becoming true champions of Pet Battles is quite concerning. And given that it’s my job to whip you into said shape, I guess I need to step it up once again. Get ready for some Payne!
Put down the bandages and biscuits and tuck your pets away nice and safe, because where you’re headed there are rules: 1) No talking about where you’re going. 2) No seriously, NO talking about where you’re going! 3) If you scream “Stop!”, chances are the fight’s not over. Quit your crying and get back in there! 4) Only two beings are allowed in the ring at any given time—which, by the way, is why the referee hovers over the arena floor. 5) You may think you’re tough, but only one fight at a time is permitted. 6) No win, no glory! 7) Fights are likely to go on a lot longer than you think, and chances are you’ll die if it takes a while. 8) If this is your first time inside the arena, you have to fight or the rest of us will mock you for the rest of your life. Who am I kidding? I’ll be doing that anyway!
Got all that? Good. Now head to the Brawler’s Guild and get your fight on! For those of you who don’t have a ticket to get in . . . slackers! You’ll need to go get one by either killing rarely seen mobs on Pandaria, or—come closer—by visiting the Black Market Auction House. Shh!!
My favorite four-legged brawler friend has more.
- Crithto: Once you’re a member of the Brawler’s Guild, you’ll need to take down 12 very capable and difficult opponents. At that point, you’ll be Rank 4, which then allows you to take possession of Clock’em. Stick around and work your way to a higher rank if you want to show Payne you’re determined, but this motorized pet is the goal of this week’s exercise. With Clock’em on your team, you’ll have a formidable mechanical companion who can quickly get the upper hand with Overtune and Haymaker. A word of caution: if you have Clock’em and he’s wearing spiked gloves, watch your back!
Roll yourself off the couch and let’s see what you got! Personally, being the only person on Azeroth who’s reached Rank 11 feels pretty good, but in your condition, I’m thinking you won’t make it make it past Rank 1.
PROVE ME WRONG, MAGGOTS!!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about Clock'em by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[38]
Rabid Nut Varmint 5000
Life rarely offers much in the way of surprise for me. Given the medals I’ve earned, armies I’ve destroyed, and the huge pile of pets I’ve got stashed behind a lookout tower in Icecrown, not much happens that makes my heart jump—that is, until a couple weeks ago. Hooray, my ticker works!
A squad of elite Argent Tournament trainees was on the field learning how to joust—though “elite” might not be the right word considering I was able to beat all of them just using my arm. Suddenly, one of them clutched his chest and wailed out in pain. As he fell to the ground with his lance by his side, I could see he was in need of medical assistance. After my giggling stopped, I jumped off my mount and kneeled next to him to see what I could do. That’s when it happened. What the hell is that?!
A hole in his stomach tore open, and I could see what appeared to be a mechanical tail sticking out. It wagged back and forth as I stared at the trainees who were now standing around us in a circle. All of them looked like deer in brazier light. I reached in to find out what it was when I felt something bite my finger. This, of course, didn’t faze me much, but it did cause me to clamp down and yank it out. It was a Rabid Nut Varmint 5000! That doesn’t belong there!
Our own squirrel-chaser extraordinaire has more.
- Crithto: Forget the disease-infested rats that plague the streets of Stormwind—the Rabid Nut Varmint 5000 is the real rodent menace to society. Its origins are unknown, but I suspect the gnomes may have had something to do with the creation of these critters—perhaps a science project gone awry. In any case, if you happen to catch one of these armored beasts in the wild, they’re perfectly capable of creating a cavity in your opponent’s stomach with the abilities Overtune and Thrash. They’re also viciously protective and aggressive, as anyone who’s tried to deal with their Extra Plating and Rabid Strike can attest. Whatever you do, though, make sure not to carry any nuts or bolts in your pocket when you approach one. That’s their favorite snack!
The horror in the eyes of that trainee will haunt me for another, oh, 10 or 15 minutes, and that’s why your assignment this week is to rid the planet of these metallic sciuromorpha. Yes, yes, make sure you capture one for your team because . . . holy squirrel turds, was that whole event awesome! Seriously, if you could do that to an opponent, that would be sweet!
But more seriously, I hate these things.
CLOSE YOUR LEGUME HOLES AND MOVE OUT!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Rabid Nut Varmint 5000 by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[39]
Magical Crawdad
A few years ago while exploring the mountains around Blackwind Lake, I noticed it was getting dark. After arm-wrestling Sargeras, doing 1,000 push-ups with Ragnaros standing on my back, and then hiking for 307 straight hours, I felt it was a good time to get a little rest. You look impressed!
I set up camp, pulled up a boulder to prop my head upon, and fell asleep. But catching a few Zs wasn’t to be, as I was rudely awakened by a strange-looking crustacean standing by the shoreline. It had tentacle-horn-like things on its head and spiky shells on its shoulders, and its blood-stained claws were clicking together like mad. I drew my sword. I wasn’t going to go down without a fight. Like he would have had a chance!
But as I was about to turn him into a lovely supper, he just sort of waved at me. Then he spoke with a weird, clattering voice. “Speak with Mr. Pinchy and be granted a wish! Maybe something good . . . maybe something bad . . . Mr. Pinchy does not know!” So I did. And it was bad. And here he comes now!
- Crithto: ’Tis a shame Payne can’t see me as the result of a good wish like most of you. Right? Right?? Anyhow, you’re off to Terokkar Forest, where you’ll need a savvy sense of fishing and a bit of luck—for if you too are able to locate the mystical Mr. Pinchy, you may end up the fortunate owner of a Magical Crawdad. Why is it magical? Because of one ability: Wish. It’s a massive heal and can be a tide-turner in Pet Battles. And its skills don’t stop there! Rush into the lead by using Whirlpool and Surge, increase its survivability by using Shell Shield, or even help your team with Renewing Mists. One word of caution, though: it does not like to cuddle. I’m off to get a bandage for my nose!
Aww, see? Told you he was bad!
So what does any of this have to do with your training? Azeroth is a big place filled with countless secrets to uncover and adventures to be had. In the course of your search for Mr. Pinchy, my hope is you will learn to have as much endurance, strength, and patience as me. Do you have what it takes?
TOO LATE, DON’T CARE, GET OUTTA MY SIGHT!!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Magical Crawdad by visiting WarcraftPets.com, and El's Extreme Anglin'.[40]
WarcraftPets.com
Greetings, tamers, Crithto here! This week, Major Payne’s decided to take a break and has ordered me to highlight one of our favorite fansites: WarcraftPets.com. While he’s off adventuring somewhere top secret (at least he says he is), the major thought this would be a great time to talk about what this helpful website can offer new and veteran pet collectors and battlers.
It all began over 7 years ago when Brian “Breanni” Brolin was searching online for a vanity pet guide. Not having much luck, he put his knowledge of website design to use to create just such a resource. WarcraftPets.com was born, and pet collecting is all the better for it! On the site you can look up pets, read comments about where and how to capture and tame them, and even participate in the WarcraftPets community.
With the introduction of Pet Battles, WarcraftPets.com evolved to include as much information as possible while still maintaining its fun, easy-to-use style. As part of this evolution, visitors can now create a free account which can be synced with their World of Warcraft character, allowing them to track the pets they already have in their collection and track down the ones they hope to add.
The site also provides detailed individual pet pages, which include information such as type, battle abilities, location, and a whole lot more. You’ll also find news, an exhaustive and comprehensive search-engine for pets and pet abilities, a Smart Pet Search feature for those difficult NPC encounters, and numerous guides. It’s a great resource—even Major Payne had a few nice things to say about it.
- Major Payne: My strategic brilliance comes not just from conquering the world and everything in it, but also through my close relationship with Breanni. She’s been instrumental in helping me ensure Payne brings the pain! You jelly of my team?! As your drill instructor, it’s my duty to tap into my vast array of experiences and heart-stopping battle knowledge to ensure you’re as fit as possible to handle the rigors of Pet Battles. Once you’ve successfully survived my course, you’re certain to become a champion like me—especially if you take advantage of the information Breanni has put together. If you don’t, YOU’RE DEAD TO ME!!
If you haven’t checked out what WarcraftPets.com has to offer, be sure to give it a spin. It’s just one of many fansites that exemplifies what passionate gamers can do for other passionate gamers when they put their minds to it.[41]
Perky Pug
Sitrep: You’ve had plenty of time to work off food comas from the recent holidays, exercise your minds and bodies, and get a taste of the Celestial Tournament. Now it’s time to test your strength, cunning, and ability to not be eaten by a tiny little puppy! Oh, you might survive for a little while. Maybe you’ll even get to the point where I finally get to see some of the results of your training in action—but I’m betting you still get eaten!!
And there will be no moaning and complaining! I don’t care if you’re Horde or Alliance—this assignment is meant to challenge you and show how far you’ve come since we began honing your skills as a Pet Battler. I guarantee you, if you pass (also known as “survive”), the heavens will rain glory upon you, heralds in cities across Azeroth will shout your name out of sheer respect, and leaders of every faction will salute you with honor whenever you pass by.
Actually, none of that is going to happen. Haha, you should see your face right now!
Deep in the heart of Stormwind castle resides a furry monster with awful breath, a spikey harness, and a curly tail. Your test is to go there, find this menace, and challenge him to a fight! You’re not allowed to scream!
Here’s the miniature puff-ball now to give you some more details.
- Crithto: This is the most awkward moment of my entire life. Uhem . . . if you wish to own a Perky Pug, you’re going to need to p.u.g. your way to victory. Simply earn the achievement Looking For Multitudes, and this handsome, charming, fantastic-smelling, cheerful fella will be delivered to your mailbox. Once properly trained, you’ll be able to take advantage of hard-hitting abilities like Comeback and Trample. This amazing animal also has great survivability when you use Buried Treasure and Burrow. As for Payne’s test, there’s not much I can say other than your chances of success are much greater should you bring bacon. Or is it the other way around?
No friends, no trickery, no whining, no crying—those are the rules! One of you goes in, one of you emerges triumphant. But if I see Crithto scampering around the canals seconds after you’ve gone in, then I’ll know you’re not ready to take on the big challenges. Oh yes . . . they get much bigger!
GO GET YOU SOME PUG!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Perky Pug by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[42]
Voodoo Figurine
There are few things in this world that frighten me more than voodoo. Oh sure, I’m mighty, I’m strong, I’m even irresistible, but when you get into the dark arts of witchcraftery, even the great Payne shudders at the thought of being turned into a toad or a steaming pile of juju residue. Dis a nightmare ya don’ wake up from!
By the way, thanks to the "break" Crithto told you I was on a couple weeks ago, becoming a victim of voodoo is now impossible for me. Ha!
This leads me into this week’s training exercise. You might have learned a thing or two about trolls and juju and mojo on your recent artifact-excavating excursion, but now it’s time to put that knowledge into practice in the very heart of the Amani capital of Zul’Aman. There we’ll see if you’re able to avoid having your soul bled, or if you can keep the shadow from falling on you. In other words: can you stay away from the voodoo?!
Once inside, you’re to make your way through the labyrinthine city as quickly as you can, saving each of the captives the various Amani animal avatars have imprisoned. If you’re able to emerge from this musty city alive and with an Amani Battle Bear as your trophy, then I’ll know you’re capable of handling the pet Crithto is here to tell you about. Pay attention!
- Crithto: To get your hands on the Voodoo Figurine, you’re going to need use your Archaeology skills to hunt down as many Troll dig sites as possible. Eventually, you’ll begin working on collecting the 100 fragments needed to unlock this pet. While you don’t really need to venture into Zul’Aman to add this pet to your collection, it’s imperative that you follow Payne’s orders if you want to survive having it on your side—otherwise this avatar of the undead might just hex you into oblivion. If you’re able to control this devilish doll, you can look forward to devastating abilities like Immolate, Flame Breath, Rot, and Shadow Slash. And if you think handling this companion is as easy as suckin’ down a Flask of Mojo or a bottle of Troll Sweat, you’ll be sorely mistaken!
Don’t let charlatans like Griftah fool you, there’s no room here for non-magical keepsakes and mementos to help you get through this challenge. You merely need skill, precision, tenacity, cunning, perseverance, foresight, strategy, endurance, determination, focus, speed, and a smidge of luck to be able to show me you’re ready.
Yes, that’s all you need. Why are you making that funny face at me?!
YOUR BOOTS WERE MADE FOR MARCHIN’!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Voodoo Figurine by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[43]
Peddlefeet
Love, shmove! If I were able to say “bah, humbug!” at this time of year, I would. In fact . . . bah, humbug! Who needs love and companionship when you’re this good looking?! Who needs chocolates and rose petals and a Romantic Picnic Basket when people exalt your name across the planet and relish in your glorious presence when you enter a room?
I can tell by the pinkish hue in your eyes you need these things. Fine.
Since so many of you are mired in this ickiest of seasons, let’s just get this lovey-dovey nonsense out of the way. I suppose your need to become a true champion of Pet Battles could somehow find reason and purpose in the distractions of Love is in the Air, right? Damn right it could!
If you insist on participating in this sickly sweet affair, then you’re going to have to report back to me with every single achievement completed. That’s right! Charming. Flirt with Disaster. Dangerous Love. Nation of Adoration. Sweet Tooth. My Love is Like a Red, Red Rose. Shafted. Lonely. The Rocket’s Pink Glare. Fistful of Love. Be Mine. I Pitied The Fool . . . every single one of them. And what’s your prize for all this effort? My flower-picking, bow-wearing pug friend has more.
- Crithto: I’m pitying the fool right now . . . err, yes! Uhem, let’s get on with the details, shall we? Peddlefeet is your prize; he’s a lovable winged goblin who may be a little harsh to look at, but can pack a major punch on the battlefield. Abilities like Perfumed Arrow and Shot Through the Heart can be devastating to your opponent—yet Peddlefeet can be quite resilient when he uses Lovestruck and Love Potion to stay in the fight. One word of caution, though: Peddlefeet—who carries a bow and plenty of arrows—tends to respond to perfume and cologne with gusto!
Still in the mood for love? Sigh . . . terrific. I tend to think some of you are pretty clueless, so here’s a tip: Our friend Perculia has a fantastic guide filled with tons of details on the Love is in the Air event and how you can earn a Peddlefeet of your own, which you can read here. Follow that, and you should be able to return to me with your chocolate covered, rose-laden heads held high.
JUST DON’T EYEBALL ME!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about Peddlefeet by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[44]
Silithid Hatchling
This is it, maggots! You’ve trudged through mud, weathered snowy conditions, fought and lost to a tiny puppy, and endured countless bumps and bruises this past year as part of your training. I’d be remiss if I didn’t admit that I’ve been a wee bit proud to watch you grow. No, I’m not verklempt! There’s just something in my eye—look away!
The time has come to put you to your final test. A test so immense, your survival is nigh impossible . . . so immense, I will likely end up selling your dead bodies to the ogre clans in Tanaris so they can make new pelts to cover their huts. Are you ready to see if you’re capable of taking your training to the next level?! I can’t hear you!!
Gather nothing, and leave your valuables and perishables at home—you’re off to Silithus to endure the final test of your basic Pet Battles training. Alone! Once there, you will survive off the land, sleep on the cold, hard ground, eat what you can find, and try to endure the most difficult gauntlet of challenges you’ve ever faced. At dawn tomorrow, you’re to go into the Ruins of Ahn’Qiraj and take out every living creature inside. If you happen to make it out in one piece, then it’s off into the Temple of Ahn’Qiraj to obliterate anything that moves. Yes, even the Twins!
When you’re done there, you’re to hike your way through Un’goro Crater and bivouac at the edge of an area called the Noxious Lair. On the second day at dawn, you’re to get up and begin the part that’ll test your endurance, patience, and will to survive. Try not to stare at Crithto’s pink bow while he explains your ultimate goal.
- Crithto: Payne must be blind because I’m clearly wearing a fez. Uhem . . . you tamers have done a great job these past 12 months of training. Now’s the time for you to earn one of the coolest rewards out there for all your hard work: the Silithid Hatchling! Found in Tanaris only during a sandstorm, this tiny creature ventures outside the hive to catch a gritty breath of dusty air once in a blue moon. You may have to wait, and you’ll only have a short amount of time to find this rare-quality pet, but the payoff will be worth it. Once tamed, you can look forward to decimating your opponents by coupling abilities like Swarm and Devour, or supporting your team with Hiss and Sandstorm. Like the image warns, don’t fall asleep with one of these nearby. You’re likely to wake up with an ear canal full of eggs!
As reluctant as you may think I am to say it, I am proud of you maggots. So proud, in fact, that if you’re able to triumphantly return from this final challenge, I shall bestow upon you a new moniker: Tamer. Just know that to become a true Master Tamer like me, you’re first gonna have to stay alive, and then continue on with Major Payne’s Advanced Pet Battles Training! Are you excited? I’m excited!
GET OUTTA MY FACE AND INTO SILITHUS!!
Come join the discussion about this pet in our Pet Battles forum. You can also learn more about the Silithid Hatchling by visiting WarcraftPets.com.[45]
Sources
- ^ Sunfur Panda: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Kun-Lai Runt: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Spectral Porcupette: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Son of Animus: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Spawn of G’nathus: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Sunreaver Micro-Sentry: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Sleepy Willy: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Winterspring Cub: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Netherspace Abyssal: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Ji-Kun Hatchling: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Gahz’rooki: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Swamp Croaker: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Direhorn Runt: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Lil’ Bad Wolf: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Coilfang Stalker: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Electrified Razortooth: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Phoenix Hatchling: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Tiny Blue Carp: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Elder Python: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Living Sandling: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Pocket Reaver: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Unborn Val’kyr: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Filthling: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Xu-Fu, Cub of Xuen: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Tainted Waveling: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Blossoming Ancient: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Stunted Direhorn: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Twilight Fiendling: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Lesser Voidwalker: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Unspeakable Horror!: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Crow: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Infinite Whelpling: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Hopling: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Blighthawk: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Viscidus Globule: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Winter Reindeer: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Not On Vacation!: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Clock'em: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Rabid Nut Varmint 5000: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Magical Crawdad: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ WarcraftPets.com: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Perky Pug: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Voodoo Figurine: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Peddlefeet: Official Site | Archive Link
- ^ Silithid Hatchling: Official Site | Archive Link