User:Mirson/Blood Elves: A Guide For The Horde
The content of this article is not part of official Warcraft lore, but has nevertheless become part of the World of Warcraft culture or community.
Ever since the release of the expansion, the Horde has had a truckload of new problems flowing onto their front porch. Not only did the orcs, trolls, hamburgers and undead now have to study an entirely new, alien race who seemed hellbent on demolishing them via use of the light, but their own homefront was being assaulted by a much more damaging species. They seemed to bring lewdity, drama, and fail wherever they stepped foot. Even their own forests were corrupt by scourge, night elves, angry cats, and devolved magical crackheads of their former selves. That species, naturally, was blood elves. The arrogant, pink, and infinitely annoying evolutionary offspring of night elves. These strange rabbit-earred creatures claimed to be former high elves betrayed by the Alliance, due to their embrace of fel energies, and now sought a pact with the people of the Horde. Needless to say, the Horde remained slackjawed for a long while. Their city and structures looked like a giant Lego concoction slathered in red and yellow pastel paints, their people acted and spoke like the immature dogs of Goldshire with no respect for proper pronunciation, and they had a supreme lack of talent when it came to fighting off Alliance, let alone singular enemies such as gnolls and murlocs. The only thing these strange creatures had going for them was an appealing figure, but even then it was hard to differentiate the men from the women. There seemed to be no hope for these weak, infinitely lame abominations.
However, just when the Horde was prepared to reject the creatures' pleas and lay waste to their home, a human man came from seemingly nowhere to persuade them. Naturally, the orcs of Orgrimmar and the trolls of the Darkspear tribe were suspicious of this factionless, fluffy-haired man. He wore a stylish jungle hat on his head, a purple swashbuckler's shirt on his chest and tight-fitting, bright green tights on his buttocks. His fingers were adorned in various fool's gold rings tipped with coloured glass gems, and he constantly had a bright, irritating smile on his face, a neatly-trimmed beard covering his chin and upper lip. The fellow was an absolute oddball. He spoke in an airy voice, fluttered his hands in peculiar gestures when he spoke, and never seemed to stop talking until he was hit with a flung object from some random corner of the room. However, while this human was an utterly useless fruitcake, what he brought with him was actually quite helpful. On his back was a sizable sack, filled with books of the same title and content, written in every language from orcish to murloc. He offered these books to the Horde for no cost, claiming that within its firm cover lied the secrets to dealing with their new allies without having to smash a battleaxe upon their heads. Not seeing any threat within a book, the Horde kindly accepted the gift, and threw the man from their city.
Curious, Thrall sat on his warlord's throne, Cairne sat in his chieftain's hut, and Vol'jin sat on the floor. They all cracked open the book and peered inside, and examined what could very well be vital information.
Chapter 1: Your Blood Elf Brethren
Blood Elves are a complicated species. On the outside, they appear noble and powerful. Their structures stand tall and bright, and they manipulate dangerous fel magic as if it were a mere toy. Their most avid ambassadors and speakers talk with a regal fire, and their words are empowering and inspiring enough to drive you to do just about anything they support. Naturally, this is nothing more than a clever disguise to hide their inner ugliness. Blood Elves are, at their essence, a people of swine wrapped in glitter-paper and a lovely wig. Their customs are more accurately similar to the serfs of the Lordaeron empire, and kobolds. This unholy alliance, combined with an egotistic mindset and smug attitude, makes them one of the worst, most despicable species in the world. You may very well want to slug one of them in the smirk upon first interacting with them. However, in order to truly get what you need out of this species, you must appeal to them and respect their perverted customs. Luckily for you, this book is just the thing you need to learn all about the blood elves. Once you acquire the necessary knowledge, you will discover that the people of Silvermoon are the one, infinitely useful thing that no other species of the Horde or Alliance could ever become: an expendable meatshield.
Chapter 2: Silvermoon City
If you choose to pursue a relationship with the blood elven empire, the first thing you will most likely be asked to do is take a brief tour about Silvermoon City. Definitely, they will ask an ambassador to show you around their shining, stone streets, but never once go within a building. He may very well walk you around the same exact bend for weeks and tell you the same precise things until they are stamped into your brainmatter, regardless of how many times you ask to leave or speak with the Regeant Lord. There is a very simple reason for this: Silvermoon City is awful. If you don't see any of the local attractions where the everyday public congregates, it is because you may see things you simply wish you could unsee. Your head would explode from pure disgust. The bars are riddled with scantily-clad women and even more scantily-clad men. They speak in barely legible, harsh tongues that one could not comprehend even if they were to be written in a bubble above their heads. Fights and brawls are a constant problem, and it is extraordinarily common for someone to die on the floor in front of you. Even worse, the guards merely stand still like statues, brainlessly staring forward. Unless one were to make a rude gesture at them, the guards would not even react to a simple greeting. I theorize this is due to extensive fel exposure and inbreeding.
HELPFUL HINTS: Just a few helpful tips for inhabiting Silvermoon City safely.
- Do not enter the Wayfarer's Rest, or any other bar.
- If you see a woman in a tiny loincloth, brassiere and knee-high boots, do not eye them up and down.
- If you do, do not be surprised if they turn toward you, smile and compliment you...in a gravelly, male voice. The sound of greasy, repetitive slapping may also be heard.
- If you are approached by a blood elf in multi-coloured, aesthetically-displeasing armour, try to ignore them. They'll almost always be begging for money or asking where "Felendren the Banished" is.
- Blood Elves seem to have an uncanny ability to attack you near-instantly, with no possible chance of escape. If this happens, it is advised you simply turn around and walk away. Be sure to shout "god-modder" prior; we believe this to be some sort of Thalassian mind-code that instantly sends said blood elf into a wreckless, raging frenzy of poorly-pronounced insults and immature cursing.
Chapter 3: Knowing a Blood Elf
If you have not yet left the species in pure contempt, I applaud you. My studies have shown that 99.9% and nine tenths of the other .1% of visitors to the city have never wanted to associate with a blood elf for the rest of their life, and also wished to burn the entire city to the ground with engineering petrol and a torch. But I digress. If you have taken residence within Silvermoon City, there is a chance you have made friends with one of the species by now. While most studies have found that a large percentage of blood elves are relatively petite, have glowing green eyes, and have a craving for magic, my studies have discovered that this is not true at all. Do not be alarmed if you come across a blood elf with blue eyes, multi-coloured hair, an extremely muscular figure, large bosoms, demonic wings, razour-sharp canine teeth, or forty-nine private parts. It is extremely common for the blood elf you are speaking with to reveal he is the long-lost son of Illidan, the invulnerable avatar of a naaru, a half-human, the general of the entire Silvermoon military, a dragon, and/or a strange, blood-sucking creature known as a "vampire". It is advised you humour their claims. If you choose not to believe what they say, they may get extremely upset and you may receive a message on your hearthstone at a later date from the blood elf in question, tearfully threatening to kill themself "I.R.L". If the acceptance of such an act is blasphemy to you, I have prepared a few tips for dealing with the offending elf delicately.
HELPFUL HINTS: Dealing with a sub-species of blood elf, known as a "Mary-Sue".
- If a blood elf confronts you claiming to be an extremely wealthy noble, merely smile and nod. This induces a feeling of comfort and a needed ego-boost in the elf's head, despite your lack of respect for the creature, and may persuade him to leave you alone. If he does not accept the offering, said elf may shout something about all the nearby guards in the area sprinting at you to pin you to the ground, despite them not moving an inch from their stationary position. The only proper counter-attack for such a brilliant tactic is to brandish your hearthstone and use it.
- If a blood elf suddenly sprouts wings, a glowing blade the size of a tower that they can wield with one hand, and/or an army of undead legionnaires, it is advised you shout the phrase "god-modder", which is the greatest insult available in Thalassian. Such a derisive taunt will typically enrage the blood elf and send them into a flurry of poorly-pronounced insults, sprinkled with abundant curses and imaginary words. While the blood elf is distracted, it is advised you quickly brandish your hearthstone and use it.
- If a blood elf confronts you for no reason to challenge you to a battle, one of the best possible tactics is to ask them to meet you outside the city walls. Two things can occur at this point. The first, is that the blood elf will realize he is far too weak to battle you and may simply cower away or make up an excuse to not fight upon seeing you adorned in armour. The second, most unlikely event is that the blood elf is either an equally-skilled fighter or much stronger than you are and will promptly agree to the duel. It is here that you ask them to wait for you outside of the city walls so that you may visit the bank to acquire your armour. Once they leave to await your arrival, it is at this time you should brandish your hearthstone and use it.
Chapter 4: Blood Elves on the Battlefield
With a new species comes a new technique of warfare. The orcs, for example, value brute strength and sportsmanship even while battling bitter enemies, favouring rugged toughness, fierce determination, and occasionally the aid of pets to lay waste to their foe mercilessly. The gnomes, on the other hand, are extraordinary craftsmen capable of devising brilliant concoctions of oil and steel to use against their oppressors, and can use their sharp minds on the battlefield in the same respect they can use them at the drawing board. Both species do what they prefer with skill and talent, and you will be hard-pressed to ever find one who is incompetent. Blood elves, however, are different. If the state of their homeland was not signal enough, they are absolutely hopeless when it comes to battle, and will frequently work in a disorganized, foolish manner, allowing their enemies to get the jump on them and effectively shatter whatever it is they were attempting to do all while blaming one another for the slip-up. Working with a blood elf on the battlefield is a painful experience unless you are the one attacking it, and even their own allies have been known to turn on them out of pure frustration. If you find that you are ever paired with a blood elf in combat or are forced to work with one, I have prepared a reservoir of advice for you to look upon. If you're lucky, you'll escape from the experience with at least half of the limbs you had prior to the battle.
HELPFUL HINTS: Working and fighting with a blood elf.
- Blood Elves imitate the paladin stylings of the Alliance, albeit poorly. Where most humans and dwarves will effectively combine healing spells with attack power to inflict justice upon their foes, blood elves will oftentimes use neither, instead running out into a crowd out foes with no beneficial spells, armour, or allies dumb enough to follow them. When they die, they typically scold their partners for not healing them or coming to their rescue, when in reality all the blood elf was doing was fighting eight foes in the middle of the field while the rest of their teammates were capturing the enemy's flag. Furthermore, when it becomes apparent their allies may lose the battle, a blood elf will typically create a protective bubble around themselves, mock their own team one last time, and use their hearthstone to flee.
- Blood Elves are unfamiliar with tactics and will not communicate with their teammates at all unless it is to blame an ally for a fault. When ordered, they will either ignore the command entirely despite how many times it may be repeated, or claim the order is foolish and do what they wish instead. When they fail their objective and drag the entire team down, however, the blood elf may become enraged and insult the entire platoon, shortly after using their hearthstone to flee from the battlefield, claiming their teammates have no talent.
- Blood Elves have a disdain for every single technique, whether it be paladins, warlocks, warriors, hunters, rogues, or even the skills they themselves have chosen to use. It is common for a blood elf to whine excessively about the tactics of their enemy, claim that it is unfair, and pray to a higher power known only as "Blizzard" to dampen their enemy's skills and arsenal. Regardless, the blood elf will almost always continue to be killed until they either give up and use their hearthstone, or the soldier in charge of resurrection gets a migraine and refuses to continue.
- Blood Elves make great fodder. If the situation calls for someone to die, it has been considered good technique to gather all of the blood elves at your disposal into a group and send them rushing at the enemy. When all of them have been killed, the battleground will be slippery with blood and covered with dead elven bodies, in which case the rest of your platoon may attack your enemies while walking on stilts to avoid tripping and falling over. Because blood elves reproduce at an hypersonic rate, this is not considered inhumane, as more will simply arrive the next day to fight. Illidan Stormrage claimed the Black Temple using this brilliant tactic.
Chapter 5: Conclusion
Congratulations! You have read all you need to know about the blood elven species and their customs. With this vast arsenal of knowledge at your disposal, you are now prepared to negotiate with the government of Silvermoon City, and prepare yourselves for the onslaught of hatred, drama, and unnecessary violence that accompanies every single member of the blood elf species. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with these savages, and thank Elune that I'm a neutral party.